Friday, December 31, 2004

A lament of the heart

Something happened. Something of those silly airy fairy things. Those emotional things. Things that just creep up on you unawares. And when you get aware of it, the fuzzy feeling creeps up on you. In the aftermath, you start to doubt what you thought at first upon seeing the actions. Confused. For souls cannot well fanthom other souls in terms of subject and object, the signifier and the signified, for such a distinction is false!

And worse, at first it came, and crept silently, and there built up a silent joy, but in a flash, it all seemed to be folly. For I then saw the latter action, the latter signifier, and turned away in silent sorrow, hurt, jealous and angry. But I thank God I was not led to forsake a brother.

On pain of commiting the greater sorrow for the weakness of the flesh have I left, my vain pride reasoned.

But I was hurt, and jealous, and left in a green jealous huff. God I hate myself. But then Jesus softly reminded me: "But I love you more." What grace and mercy hath my God! No matter how incomprehensible, most certainly we are all so undeserving.

In the instant after which I then recalled.
A fact that hath made the latter signifier of none effect on my joy. And my turning away in jealousy my own undoing. An incomprehensible fool I am! Did my haste, my ill-informed jealousy, make me lose a joy I could have had?

"You foolish child," my Father replied. Is He not in control? Is not all His Will?

Thy Will be done Father. Not mine but your Will. For I am a fool, a fallen. And I trust in you Father, that you know what is best.

I stand ready and wait. Father by Thy Hand.

Praise God! God keep us all.

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