Nobody said it would be easy

I had feared to take on the burden, but somehow I had been guided headlong into it.
Nobody said it would be easy. I already knew in my heart just how horrible I am. The fallen nature. The battle rages. And rages.

"...but with God all things are possible." - Matthew 19:26

"...Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the Lord of hosts." - Zech 4:6

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ" - 2 Cor 10:5

"And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." - Rom 12:2

May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.

essay crisis

wat am I doing blogging when I still haven't finished my way overdue essay? Okay there's no deadline but that doesn't mean I ought to sit on it. I think I'd have to utterly rewrite it. Probably do what I discussed with JR. Super brief introduction and then just LEAVE THE MOVIE and get into the sociological stuff already. THERE. Okay. Will do that BY TONIGHT. It's good that I have that nice coffee bean voucher courtesy of Sam & KL.

Was looking forward to going home for dinner tonight but apparently I've to go down IMM to get some stuff for the 202 filming. I don't believe it we're doing animation. I still don't believe it. I'm alright with trying new stuff but... on such a tight schedule? GM is like, super excited and adamant on doing it. Anyhow, they've decided so we all just have to do it. If we can manage to pull it off it'll be great I agree.

*Oh no and I'm already behind in all my nonsensical readings and such* One week behind in 211, 202 and 229 I stopped long time ago. I'm only on track for 216.

I think I need to stay away from my bed. Or maybe its my home. How can I get the discipline to just do finish the stuff I have to do...? Is it fair that I only do it when I feel like it? I've done work that I've not been proud to call my own, because primarily I did it when I didn't feel like it.

WOW. What a lazy person. Irresponsible I'd say. What's wrong with you? What's your problem? You're childish. Grow up. And all sorts of other names I suppose.

I'm probably dwelling too much on this whole thing by now.

Even if for no other reason, there is always that one underlying final reason for everything we go through. It may not be efficient in human terms, but who else can we trust on matters of the soul?

And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; - Col 3:23

Amen.

a break...

Reply:

yes jan, I enjoy procrastinating, though I think you should listen to what really happened. I just sat there being utterly confused at what topic I ought to focus my paper on. Its the problem with freedom don't you think? There are so many areas that I'd like to focus on. It seems weird to just isolate one portion of it and talk about it...

Maybe its not procrastination but just lack of focus? Or writer's block? Maybe so. Maybe not.

But one thing that I admit I ought to stop is that 1-track flow of work management. I just sat there stumped on 211 when I ought to be doing the rest of the subjects. So far, I've finished the highly enjoyable 202 essay but haven't started on the 211 readings still. Probably when I'm in the mood (ha! terrible work ethic)

I did notice something that is the most surest sign of being old, the ultimate one - not just innocent little children calling you uncle.

Age gap - sign of aging

My smallest brother doesn't tell me all his stuff and daily happenings anymore. At least not automatically, as in he'd rather tell my middle brother instead. And at first I was rather sad and thought it rude, but perhaps, its just a manifestation of age gap? Before I realised that age gap was a real possibility I thought he was just being an ingrate who only talks to me when he needs a last minute lift to school or food or help with the computer.

But I know its not... sigh...... these things just happen... have to try... to be... understanding... I believe its a misunderstanding on my part, and trust in the eventual outcome. It is true that we don't choose our family and in fact, every single person who is part of our life, they're all there to teach the heart something and edify the soul. It is our own tendencies that we need to recognize, admit and restrain.

Christ gave us freedom, our only restraint being our love for Him.

But take heed lest by any means this liberty of yours become a stumblingblock to them that are weak. - 1 Cor 8:9

Sermon review

Take note - this is not a license to sin. (antinomianism) - I just finished listening to Rev. Long Hee's sermon kindly provided by yijing... I would say that most of it is consistent but the arguments against it, the use of logic, and application of civil law and real-life examples are... arbitary. An example would be his argument using the state law as a reference point for why we should follow certain portions of God's Law. I agree that we are to follow the law Christ wrote in our hearts. But know you not that civil law is a mere codification of conduct that ought to be the ideal perfect behaviour, of which our example is Christ?

A better exposition would be John Darby's Sypnosis on which the concept of charity he builds seems to be closer and less dogmatic.

I felt a few Biblical cross references were not so appropriate and out of context. Will talk more about it again.

Encouragement

There are more things in life than work. More things in life than world peace. More things in life than family. More things than just life on earth... And thanks be to the mercies of God, that we can look forward to the eternity at the end of all this.

Meanwhile, live each day for Christ, for there is no other reason. Continue the struggle, against the world, against your old self, for you who believe in Christ are the elect, and to struggle in His name is your reason here.

Amen.

ouch

spent much of the week running around doing BAV... sighz! Jeremy's a really sporting guy... despite being the actor he's so helpful and full of ideas too... I've got a great team, sigh, despite some matters but all is well in the end and its good to be thankful for... nowfor paperwork and post-production...

Watched "It's a steal" the Hall 1 production... erhm... my $14 was sure a steal... for them. Been updating Jonathan on my critic comments... I guess its a good effort for the amount of time they had and that it was a hall production... maybe they could have cut it shorter and used a smaller cast that way it'll be much more focused and dedicated... the length seemed overambitious and the overall message rather vague. Characterization was problematic and out of balance for some of them. You know there's a problem when during the supposed dramatic emotional high - a crucial point of revelation in the story, people are laughing at the cutesy grandma who acts like liang popo

Some uncommon stage directions like split screen but attention focus was a little confused. Overuse of cliques and stereotypes and slapstick. Certain parts dragged a little too long and were repetitive.

And did I tell you it was a musical? Yes it was... there were original songs... but dz commented it was like Singapore Idol.

But overall comprehendable. And a good effort considering that these are students who rehearse after school hours and school projects... some of the talents were really dramatic... and certain parts were very witty...

Havent done last week's 211 readings. Haven't done 211 essay (still doing the history of Chinese immigration into Thailand now). Or 202 essay. Excellent.

Sometimes I feel that I get unhappy at people easily. I don't know if its justified or not. Sort of like patience wearing thin / tiredness / some combination of that. Forgiveness never comes automatically. I have to want to forgive. It doesn't make logical sense to forgive certain things. But then, remembering in our hearts that Christ forgave us and loved us while we were undeserving, we ought to do the same.

Amen.

eating lunch

having lunch at home now.

just finished watching My Girl. Production-wise a little bit of inconsistencies but quite minor and apparent only to people who nit-pick. But I love the story. Loved it when I first watched it in cinema. Love it now still. Though there aren't exactly a lot of obivous sociological infomation I can find in it but... there'll be some.

Had a great conquest today. Praise the Lord! For those who are still struggling on, never lose heart! Day by day, moment by moment, not trusting in yourself but in the Lord.

Just a closer walk with Thee,

Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,

Daily walking close to Thee,

Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.

Going to bathe now. Taking MRT to school. Busy days of filming and essay rushing ahead!

Amen.

for struggles

so. I accuse other people of blaming themselves needlessly. And now what? I also want to blame others.

Some things like little brothers will really test your patience to the max. And I mean all the way. Only talk to you when they need you to do some menial task for them. Mess up the computer table. Nevermind. Talk to him and then pretend like nothing happen. Nevermind. I'm reading some school work and they switch on the TV. And all the usual things. And my mom is the no.1 hypocrite. Scold him for his bad habits one moment, spoil him and let him have his way the next.

Sometimes she looks at me when she expects me to correct his behaviour. Hello! Your spoiling him and giving in to him all the time makes my existence of no effect on him!

It can't be helped. My mother spoils him all the time so as to continue to enjoy his attention. Giving in. Overfeeding. Spoiling him. Whatever. That's why I'm so unpopular with him. Or most people for that matter.

It's not that I've never told my mother before. Time and again. But you know, she's stubborn. And on uncomfortable things people tend not to hear what they don't want to hear. I know what that means. The flat denial. The digression. The pseudo-answer. The Pretend.

I don't want to blame others. So here I am writing not against the persons, be it my brother or mother. I just don't like the mentioned behaviour. I think behaviour. But behaviour is already past, and as such should be forgiven.

Perhaps after years and years of patience they'll come to understand...

There is no logical reason why we put up with what we put up with. That is agape. For Christ's sake, don't dwell on it anymore.

Still no 211 topic yet... and we're doing Palestine for 216! yeah! 202 essay needed too...

And I still think TV is a very bad thing.

But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil. - Luke 6:35

finding neverland

Saw Finding Neverland last night. Has this beginning of the 20th century setting in high society London. Its strange to watch a whole class of people which just walk around parks all day, but I suppose that was really what happened then. But we have to be careful not to confuse the FOP owners with the artists, creative people and so on. Only thing is that for us such high class no-need-to-work people nowadays have some artificial semblence of "working" with some honourary job description or do their walking around in private clubs, spas and golf courses instead of Bishan Park. Or drive around in their irritating SUVs all day.

The story is beautiful though. Moved to tears. Can see the 'stiff upper lip' societal pressures brought to bear, and indeed, Depp's child-like ignorance of it all suits the spirit of his character so starkly. Good thing crass comic relief was used to a minimum - and maybe there was a little hint of Depp as a social mover inserted into the story.

I feel that a work of fiction like a movie has meaning when it portrays struggle. Meaningful human struggle that goes on - the dramatic action or the spirit of the character being brought to bear on the audience. It depends on great actors, but also purposeful casting and directing of all the elements of the movie as well. Too much distractions, digressions, use of slapstick, action, special effects, confuse or dilute the message if not done carefully.

Especially at the end, when the sick mother gets to see the play in her house and walks into Neverland, its so sweet and surreal and her children & Depp just keep looking on... and its so beautiful on one hand and on the other so sad because you know she's actually dying... you know that she's dying but its so beautiful you want to cry out no! she isn't dying! I don't want to believe she's dying! But for her, dying was not the end because she believed.

It's hard to believe in something you can't literally see or feel or touch, and its not that I would enjoy watching people succumb helplessly to TB all the time, but troubled times and trying situations for one thing, drive the message of the temporal nature of this world and physical existence very succinctly.

"Its just that their health-care's not good enough" you say. I thank God for improved healthcare now, but the fact is, we all have to die someday anytime, and what's more, I think we'd probably die of guilt or weariness or pointlessness or overconsumption if our lifespan lasted forever.

To put it another way, wouldn't life be meaningless if all we had to do was to hang around the earth for eternity? Africa would always be poor, we'd be making reasons for fighting and killing each other all the time, we'd have pangs of guilt looking at poverty till we go numb, the PAP will keep asking you to retrain and upgrade your skills because there's always competition, there'd be no retirement age because no amount of CPF could ever sustain a retiree for eternity, you'd always be jealous of people who are in better circumstances, you'd wonder why freak accidents happen, your body would be so decayed you'd need a plastic one (think Darth Vader) and so on.

Someone remarked to me online yesterday.

"You dream of heaven every night don't you?"

Well folks,
I do dream of heaven all the time. In fact, I'd want to keep thoughts of heaven at the back of my head at every waking moment. But its not the same as going about the world in a daze and pretending I don't exist on earth. I do. But I know that there's a better place awaiting. And yes, all things that take place and are done on earth, should be taken in light of our final destination in heaven.

In a sense, like a neverland, only better. And no SUVs.

Such is the hope in Christ that we share, and I sympathize with all my friends who read this now and yet still have not found that direction and certainty in life that all human souls truly seek, if only we would admit it to ourselves.

“ that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. ”- 2 Corinthians 5:19 and 20

You know how to reach me if you'd like to understand more.

"Hark! The herald angels sing! Glory to the newborn king!"

May God bless and keep us always.