I whine. I whine. I sit in front of the computer, staring at the large expanse of LCD screen. Symphony 92.4 FM is playing in the background. There is some foreigner singing in some foreign language. It is 1.46pm. I am alone. At home. At my desk.
The operatic singing overwhelms me although I can’t understand what he means. It sounds so sad. It sounds so despairing. Like he had just lost his only true love. Or was questioning the very meaning of his existence. Over and over again he bellows in that powerful voice of his. And the song ends.
How many times have I heard such beautiful singing, and tried in vain to follow the words in my mind, knowing my vocal range is sorely lacking. Or followed the vibrations of the violin as the player’s bow glides across the strings, pretending as though I was making the harmonious melody. Or mimicked the fingers of the distinguished pianist, honed from days and years of dedication at the ebony and ivory perfecting the masterpieces of old.
I always wished I was somewhere else. I always wished I was someone else. I always wished I was something else.
I ask myself, what is a job? What is work? Why do I hate it so much? Am I lazy? Or have I just not found a job that mostly suits my interests and skill sets? Is there such a thing, even? Or is it a matter of the resignation of the idealism that foolish youth carries on into adulthood long after the physical starts to degenerate?
I look around. Many others are diligently at their allocated jobs. Their designated responsibilities. They may not love their jobs, but they are responsible people. Yes indeed, so God had ordained work that one would make a living with his own hands, not being a burden unto others. The command of God is terrible. And more so if disobeyed. But-
No ‘buts’, not especially when God’s command is concerned. Then am I defiant and lazy, risking the wrath of God? Or is this merely a transition?
My socialization kicks in. I look like a quitter. But - which is worse? To come to work unwillingly, unhappily and tired due to lack of sleep every day, or to admit that this is a lost cause and leave?
Who am I defying when I quit? God? Or my socialization?
Some say it’s all in the mind. I must convince myself that I can do it. Then I will do it. That it’s not as bad as I picture it to be. Mind over matter. Don’t pay attention to the fact that almost nothing gets accomplished at the end of an hour of yelling. Don’t admit to the fact that after so long all they’ve improved are their copying skills. Don’t pay attention to the fact that they are in such dire straits but still lack the basic discipline to listen. Just do your part in appearing there. And nevermind that 40 pupils is too big a class size for energetic children with very short attention spans.
Just go through the motion.
For my own interest’s sake? For the pay? That's not for me.
Or maybe I’m doing something wrongly? Give them more colouring assignments? More hands-on work? More fill-in-the-blanks and other stuff to copy? Keeps them occupied. But then I ask myself - is learning actually taking place?
Perhaps I was deluding myself all the long. Do I hate kids? But no, I don’t hate kids. I just feel so unequipped to do anything to help their situation while I have to see them in such circumstances like a classroom. And I can’t bare to go through the motion.
See them after class, remedial, extra lessons? Counselling? Did that and I must say it’s much more effective. Then why meet in the classroom in the first place? 200 students. 150 in need of individual attention. Something larger is not right.
Then you tell me that this is quite normal. Now my mind is completely made up. Sorry, but no way am I going to accept this as normal and I won’t be a part of this degenerative self-denial. I have pity for my students and the others who go through this and wake up too late.
But anyway, who ever said education was to be a societal equalizer? Who perpetuated that myth? That false lie? That bright, shining lie which keeps things the way they are, leaving the existing power structures intact.
Then God gently beckons. Has He not ordained the lives of all mankind? From the elite to the humble? And given them gifts and circumstances as He sees fit?
Where then, will we see the end of the poverty, of misery, of depravity, of inequality, of broken homes, ruined lives, of souls depraved and lacking in joy and purpose?
That which we long for, we must wait and find in Heaven.
So it is with a heavy heart, and begging much forgiveness, that I need to say I’m leaving after just a short month. Education is only a means to an end. And the ultimate end isn’t about head knowledge.
Take care. And God bless.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Sunday, August 05, 2007
project Ah-Peh
It's been more than a month since my last update. Birthday's come and gone, and I'm 25 now. Mid-twenties. Shudder.
Just started full time work teaching at Junyuan Sec, and its quite a culture shock. Should I try to be their friend in order to get them to do the things I want? There's absolutely no sense of authority at all. I shouted my voice hoarse and now I'm wondering who will listen to a whimpering teacher.
Changed from a 9-yr-old to a 16-yr-old car. A classic 2.0l manual Honda Accord. Clutch is worn out and the rubber seals on the windows are worn so it gets noisy at speed. Occassional fan belt noise. Shock absorbers are worn out. 16inch tyres have punctures. I can imagine this being 'Project Ah-Peh" ... it'll be the terror when its all done up. Quite a wide turning circle too.
Life's been very busy with work, take-home work, BSF and lots of church things going on during the weekends too.
Will talk more again during national day break. Tata!
Just started full time work teaching at Junyuan Sec, and its quite a culture shock. Should I try to be their friend in order to get them to do the things I want? There's absolutely no sense of authority at all. I shouted my voice hoarse and now I'm wondering who will listen to a whimpering teacher.
Changed from a 9-yr-old to a 16-yr-old car. A classic 2.0l manual Honda Accord. Clutch is worn out and the rubber seals on the windows are worn so it gets noisy at speed. Occassional fan belt noise. Shock absorbers are worn out. 16inch tyres have punctures. I can imagine this being 'Project Ah-Peh" ... it'll be the terror when its all done up. Quite a wide turning circle too.
Life's been very busy with work, take-home work, BSF and lots of church things going on during the weekends too.
Will talk more again during national day break. Tata!
Monday, June 25, 2007
Does Islam have an issue with the secular public space?
Different societies have different concepts of freedom of expression. In Singapore it is taught that this freedom must be exercised responsibly - meaning - that it must be restrained according to the sensibilities of the potential effect of the communication on significant segments of the public, not to incite or 'stir-up' unhappiness or ill-will amongst different classes of society.
However, such an operating definition when applied leads to unfair allocation and suppression of public expression in a manner which is prejudicial to some segments of the population.
How so?
This is because the way by which we define a communication that is worthy of censure from the public space to be one which would incite or stir up ill-will, and what it is that would incite ill-will depends pretty much on the individual group's tolerance for communication that is prejudicial towards that group.
Let us cite certain examples - Jesus Christ, the defining historical character of the Christian faith, has been mocked and insulted in songs, movies so many times, sometimes by members of other faiths, sometimes from within. But the majority of the Christian reaction to recent controversies like "The Da Vinci Code" has been one that, though vocal of its inaccuracies, and responsive in issuing counters and clarifications, has by and large been respectful of the secular public space in which general society operates. By that we mean public functions, locations, cinemas, books, bookstores and so on.
We recognize very clearly the need to protect this 'secular space' in which a society of different faiths needs to operate.
We do not call for Da Vinci or books making controversial claims about Christianity to be banned. We don't demand apologies, retractions, or issue death threats to the authors or movie-producers. We don't comment on who the Queen of England knights (yes - Elton John's a gay and with the Queen as someone significant in the Anglican church, we're sad, but...)
Mind you, its not because we're wimpish or weak-faithed, or worse, hypocrites. It's just that its not binding on non-believers to behave and observe what we Christians are supposed to observe. I remember some Catholic parishes calling on their faithful not to watch Da Vinci. And in other churches too there was sparked a rapid response of clarification and explanation about the controversies raised in the movie. But that's quite different from demanding it from being banned from cinemas and protests all that.
Is God soft on blasphemy now? Hardly. For people who believe in Him, its their duty to continue in fear and reverence and not participate in it. Just like other forms of worldliness that have been clearly renounced. Its just that we recognize we can't force other people who don't believe in Him to behave as if they do. So yea, no forced closing down of gay bars and bombing of abortion clinics and such stuff either. The rest of the public just continues to do what they want to, at their own peril of course.
No other line puts it more simply than this : In the end, it's between you and God on Judgement Day.
'Crazy' or 'conservative' holy-moly people might continue to warn you from it, but nobody can force you if you don't believe its wrong.
Free will is such a wonderful gift eh?
Unfortunately, with examples of the reactions to 'the Satanic Verses', 'the Danish Cartoons', 'the knighting of Rushdie' it seems that even in Europe this public space in which secular society operates is in threat. Could this be because Islam cannot tolerate blasphemy, even if not done by non-believers? If that were so, then whose fault is it? Islam, or the concept of the secular public space? It would seem that Islam cannot exist in a secular society. Must the secular public space be altered and curtailed to suit the sensitivities of the Islamic faith?
Islam says conversion cannot be forced. If that were true, what rationale is there to force non-believers to behave like Muslims?
But still, in Singapore double standards exist - people cannot comment (although tactlessly) about dogs in taxis (is it a culture/tradition or religious teaching?) but Da Vinci, technically extremely blashphemous and insulting to the divinity of Jesus Christ, can play in cinemas and this is only because Christians respect the secular public's right of expression.
I say, defend our right to secular expression in public space - we Christians play by and respect those rules - why can't adherents of other faiths? I know eventually my God is powerful enough to settle accounts with those who have defamed Him, in the end.
And whosoever will not receive you, when ye go out of that city, shake off the very dust from your feet for a testimony against them. - Luke 9:5
However, such an operating definition when applied leads to unfair allocation and suppression of public expression in a manner which is prejudicial to some segments of the population.
How so?
This is because the way by which we define a communication that is worthy of censure from the public space to be one which would incite or stir up ill-will, and what it is that would incite ill-will depends pretty much on the individual group's tolerance for communication that is prejudicial towards that group.
Let us cite certain examples - Jesus Christ, the defining historical character of the Christian faith, has been mocked and insulted in songs, movies so many times, sometimes by members of other faiths, sometimes from within. But the majority of the Christian reaction to recent controversies like "The Da Vinci Code" has been one that, though vocal of its inaccuracies, and responsive in issuing counters and clarifications, has by and large been respectful of the secular public space in which general society operates. By that we mean public functions, locations, cinemas, books, bookstores and so on.
We recognize very clearly the need to protect this 'secular space' in which a society of different faiths needs to operate.
We do not call for Da Vinci or books making controversial claims about Christianity to be banned. We don't demand apologies, retractions, or issue death threats to the authors or movie-producers. We don't comment on who the Queen of England knights (yes - Elton John's a gay and with the Queen as someone significant in the Anglican church, we're sad, but...)
Mind you, its not because we're wimpish or weak-faithed, or worse, hypocrites. It's just that its not binding on non-believers to behave and observe what we Christians are supposed to observe. I remember some Catholic parishes calling on their faithful not to watch Da Vinci. And in other churches too there was sparked a rapid response of clarification and explanation about the controversies raised in the movie. But that's quite different from demanding it from being banned from cinemas and protests all that.
Is God soft on blasphemy now? Hardly. For people who believe in Him, its their duty to continue in fear and reverence and not participate in it. Just like other forms of worldliness that have been clearly renounced. Its just that we recognize we can't force other people who don't believe in Him to behave as if they do. So yea, no forced closing down of gay bars and bombing of abortion clinics and such stuff either. The rest of the public just continues to do what they want to, at their own peril of course.
No other line puts it more simply than this : In the end, it's between you and God on Judgement Day.
'Crazy' or 'conservative' holy-moly people might continue to warn you from it, but nobody can force you if you don't believe its wrong.
Free will is such a wonderful gift eh?
Unfortunately, with examples of the reactions to 'the Satanic Verses', 'the Danish Cartoons', 'the knighting of Rushdie' it seems that even in Europe this public space in which secular society operates is in threat. Could this be because Islam cannot tolerate blasphemy, even if not done by non-believers? If that were so, then whose fault is it? Islam, or the concept of the secular public space? It would seem that Islam cannot exist in a secular society. Must the secular public space be altered and curtailed to suit the sensitivities of the Islamic faith?
Islam says conversion cannot be forced. If that were true, what rationale is there to force non-believers to behave like Muslims?
But still, in Singapore double standards exist - people cannot comment (although tactlessly) about dogs in taxis (is it a culture/tradition or religious teaching?) but Da Vinci, technically extremely blashphemous and insulting to the divinity of Jesus Christ, can play in cinemas and this is only because Christians respect the secular public's right of expression.
I say, defend our right to secular expression in public space - we Christians play by and respect those rules - why can't adherents of other faiths? I know eventually my God is powerful enough to settle accounts with those who have defamed Him, in the end.
And whosoever will not receive you, when ye go out of that city, shake off the very dust from your feet for a testimony against them. - Luke 9:5
Ah... the school term has started. But I'm still at home, living the life of a taitai... I wonder, did my posting letter get lost? Can't be... MOE has sent me stuff before and that rules out incorrect postal address... Or maybe I'll get posted in AFTER the NIEers leave the schools after their short 4-week stint in school
Over the past week I sent them email, tried to call their hapless telephone line... argh... I could become a stalker with so much time on my hands. Well, a plus is that I get to attend BSF for the first few weeks in leisurely peace.
BSF is starting! Every Monday and Tuesday for the next 5 weeks... my group of initial 13 people has shrunk to 5... so I might end up combining with other group... still have some issues with the fast paced going through of questions required... in fact sometimes I find that I do it so methodically with my eye on the clock that I miss the whole point of it!
One day at a time, one day at a time...
something from HPF to consider:
In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of adversity consider: God also hath set the one over against the other, to the end that man should find nothing after him. - Ecc 7:14
God is righteous and fair... we just need to trust Him that it'll be done in His timing.
Over the past week I sent them email, tried to call their hapless telephone line... argh... I could become a stalker with so much time on my hands. Well, a plus is that I get to attend BSF for the first few weeks in leisurely peace.
BSF is starting! Every Monday and Tuesday for the next 5 weeks... my group of initial 13 people has shrunk to 5... so I might end up combining with other group... still have some issues with the fast paced going through of questions required... in fact sometimes I find that I do it so methodically with my eye on the clock that I miss the whole point of it!
One day at a time, one day at a time...
something from HPF to consider:
In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of adversity consider: God also hath set the one over against the other, to the end that man should find nothing after him. - Ecc 7:14
God is righteous and fair... we just need to trust Him that it'll be done in His timing.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
I like to talk about myself
Hey! Its been quite a long while since I last blogged. Ironic considering I'm jobless and bumming around at this point. I'm waiting for my contract teaching period to start. Been living the 'taitai' life basically... the occasional GSS outing... I played LAN yesterday (OMGosh! Jerry playing LAN?) with Weijian & Co. and adopted a self-styled avatar called "tv"... btw, 6 frags out of 15 games is total rubbish, I know... yeah blame it on the Carbine the guy is dead centre in front of me and somehow no matter what the crosshair says the spurts of fire aren't killing him... :P
Morning runs at East Coast, Bedok Reservoir Park, and swims at the cloudy Hougang pool before tuition... woah I'm gonna miss all this when I start working... (which is, incidentally, in a week's time)
Also caught Spidey 3 on Monday at the weird timing of 9.50pm... heh... it was better than expected... and we could relate Spidey to some real-life people we know :)
Cleaned up some old ISOs from my PC... dun use my PC as often as I used to anymore now that I have my revived laptop... also... my DVD-RAMs from Japan just arrived courtesy of dz. They came in cartridges that were thankfully removable. 3xspeed Double-sided for a total of 9GB of usable data area... of course the flipping to side B has to be done manually... the dye looks like phase change technology with many streaks running at intervals along the surface.
Unfortunately, I've been having problems trying to get my ftp server to work from behind my router. Tried different ports and different server software but to no avail. But the port translation has been done successfully before for purposes of torrents and msn... so.... ???
There. I love talking about myself on my blog. After all, who could stand it if I told one single individual all the above things about my life at one shot? :) and this was only the summarised version...
Morning runs at East Coast, Bedok Reservoir Park, and swims at the cloudy Hougang pool before tuition... woah I'm gonna miss all this when I start working... (which is, incidentally, in a week's time)
Also caught Spidey 3 on Monday at the weird timing of 9.50pm... heh... it was better than expected... and we could relate Spidey to some real-life people we know :)
Cleaned up some old ISOs from my PC... dun use my PC as often as I used to anymore now that I have my revived laptop... also... my DVD-RAMs from Japan just arrived courtesy of dz. They came in cartridges that were thankfully removable. 3xspeed Double-sided for a total of 9GB of usable data area... of course the flipping to side B has to be done manually... the dye looks like phase change technology with many streaks running at intervals along the surface.
Unfortunately, I've been having problems trying to get my ftp server to work from behind my router. Tried different ports and different server software but to no avail. But the port translation has been done successfully before for purposes of torrents and msn... so.... ???
There. I love talking about myself on my blog. After all, who could stand it if I told one single individual all the above things about my life at one shot? :) and this was only the summarised version...
Saturday, May 26, 2007
oRd loh! Carefree days are over...
It's been a long time. It's not that I neglected my blog. But on the last 2 occasions I tried to blog somehow things got interrupted, utterly destroyed, some parts of the web toolbar (like the picture loading options) failed to load, and so on. Just got so utterly pissed.
So many things have happened. Taiwan and back as mentioned previously. Malacca and back. I'm pleased to say that ye olde Soluna hit 140km/h on the downhill on the journey back. Tyres are incredibly noisy though. And it would seem that higher octane petrol really does last slightly longer...
Spent most of Malacca trip roaming around the town, tourist sights, sea sights, city area, Jonker Walk, Mahkota Parade, etc etc. I dig their chendol.
Drats it happened again. The upload picture window jammed on me. BLEAH! ok no photos then.
btw, I've decided to start using my Friendster account since I keep getting irritating nagging msgs about it anyway, so here goes www.friendster.com\praisevariants
maybe I'll start updating and tidying it up... who knows... *hah*
Had a call from Ms Goh from VJ it seems that there's no way I'll be going for contract teaching in a JC halfway through the year... so no GP for at least half a year... oh well.... by God's grace let's just see where I'll go... I'd like to ask for an easier posting and I pray I won't get such a 'tough' place... but more importantly I pray for strength to go through whatever it is that gets thrown at me.
Oh yes - 21 days left of full-time NSF came and went. Officially collected my IC yesterday with Henry the medic. Got a sprained foot. Bought a new pair of New Balance PT shoes. Chatted up with some old coursemates. Made a few new friends at the guardroom. Basically whiled my time away. Btw, BDE is much slacker than it used to be. The bunks are absolutely filthy. IPPT pass rate is so low. No I don't like regimentation at all but even the basic standards are not being met... zero discipline. And I'm getting fatter no thanks to the portions of food at the cookhouse, no matter how gross.
My tuition kid did alright for his exams Thank God... but we've still got vocab and comprehension skills to work on...
BSF leader meetings every Monday have been edifying... every since school ended I've never been as disciplined in doing any form of written work for a long time... practising leading a discussion group has also been very helpful. Praise God! Still have some church admin stuff hounding me though.... *sheepish smile*
My laptop's been fully revived with an expensive 7200rpm harddisk and I'm going to gradually shift all my usage to it... its got that irritating jammed F1 key that always gets on my nerves though... and the PC mouse has a crazy self-doubleclick syndrome...
There. Only 1 month left before I start work at a school. At this point in time I don't even know what school I'm going to. Or whether my application for teaching award has been successful.
Life isn't going to be the same anymore. The way we look at things here and there, and reminscence - only 1 thing stays the same. God be with us. Amen :)
So many things have happened. Taiwan and back as mentioned previously. Malacca and back. I'm pleased to say that ye olde Soluna hit 140km/h on the downhill on the journey back. Tyres are incredibly noisy though. And it would seem that higher octane petrol really does last slightly longer...
Spent most of Malacca trip roaming around the town, tourist sights, sea sights, city area, Jonker Walk, Mahkota Parade, etc etc. I dig their chendol.
Drats it happened again. The upload picture window jammed on me. BLEAH! ok no photos then.
btw, I've decided to start using my Friendster account since I keep getting irritating nagging msgs about it anyway, so here goes www.friendster.com\praisevariants
maybe I'll start updating and tidying it up... who knows... *hah*
Had a call from Ms Goh from VJ it seems that there's no way I'll be going for contract teaching in a JC halfway through the year... so no GP for at least half a year... oh well.... by God's grace let's just see where I'll go... I'd like to ask for an easier posting and I pray I won't get such a 'tough' place... but more importantly I pray for strength to go through whatever it is that gets thrown at me.
Oh yes - 21 days left of full-time NSF came and went. Officially collected my IC yesterday with Henry the medic. Got a sprained foot. Bought a new pair of New Balance PT shoes. Chatted up with some old coursemates. Made a few new friends at the guardroom. Basically whiled my time away. Btw, BDE is much slacker than it used to be. The bunks are absolutely filthy. IPPT pass rate is so low. No I don't like regimentation at all but even the basic standards are not being met... zero discipline. And I'm getting fatter no thanks to the portions of food at the cookhouse, no matter how gross.
My tuition kid did alright for his exams Thank God... but we've still got vocab and comprehension skills to work on...
BSF leader meetings every Monday have been edifying... every since school ended I've never been as disciplined in doing any form of written work for a long time... practising leading a discussion group has also been very helpful. Praise God! Still have some church admin stuff hounding me though.... *sheepish smile*
My laptop's been fully revived with an expensive 7200rpm harddisk and I'm going to gradually shift all my usage to it... its got that irritating jammed F1 key that always gets on my nerves though... and the PC mouse has a crazy self-doubleclick syndrome...
There. Only 1 month left before I start work at a school. At this point in time I don't even know what school I'm going to. Or whether my application for teaching award has been successful.
Life isn't going to be the same anymore. The way we look at things here and there, and reminscence - only 1 thing stays the same. God be with us. Amen :)
Monday, May 07, 2007
they say that in the army
Back from Taiwan... and a major spending spree... not entirely because of the trip though
Spent $950 on the tour itself
$300 on the really AWESOME C5050Z with F1.8 super bright lens (Thank God!)
$185 on a 7200rpm laptop HDD to replace the dead one in my laptop.
$335 to repair the car aircon which had a cooling coil which leaked refridgerant
So if you see me scrimping and whining.... you know why... haha.... my bank account dropped to new lows and its been making me quite shaky. Btw my car aircon is like a freezer now. Good JOB i Love it :)
Taiwan is an interesting place... think of it as a much more orderly and civilized Malaysia...
Right now I'm serving the nation... for 21 more days haha... have some really sian sentry duty have to stay overnight for the next 3 days but after that things should be a breeze... new HQ CSM seems like a nice chap... talks to me like I'm reservist... cool...
At first I was feeling quite miserable but Thank God... things are ok here... just the next 3 days of sentry at a different camp but at least there are facilities to shower.
Spent $950 on the tour itself
$300 on the really AWESOME C5050Z with F1.8 super bright lens (Thank God!)
$185 on a 7200rpm laptop HDD to replace the dead one in my laptop.
$335 to repair the car aircon which had a cooling coil which leaked refridgerant
So if you see me scrimping and whining.... you know why... haha.... my bank account dropped to new lows and its been making me quite shaky. Btw my car aircon is like a freezer now. Good JOB i Love it :)
Taiwan is an interesting place... think of it as a much more orderly and civilized Malaysia...
Right now I'm serving the nation... for 21 more days haha... have some really sian sentry duty have to stay overnight for the next 3 days but after that things should be a breeze... new HQ CSM seems like a nice chap... talks to me like I'm reservist... cool...
At first I was feeling quite miserable but Thank God... things are ok here... just the next 3 days of sentry at a different camp but at least there are facilities to shower.
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