eating lunch

having lunch at home now.

just finished watching My Girl. Production-wise a little bit of inconsistencies but quite minor and apparent only to people who nit-pick. But I love the story. Loved it when I first watched it in cinema. Love it now still. Though there aren't exactly a lot of obivous sociological infomation I can find in it but... there'll be some.

Had a great conquest today. Praise the Lord! For those who are still struggling on, never lose heart! Day by day, moment by moment, not trusting in yourself but in the Lord.

Just a closer walk with Thee,

Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,

Daily walking close to Thee,

Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.

Going to bathe now. Taking MRT to school. Busy days of filming and essay rushing ahead!

Amen.

for struggles

so. I accuse other people of blaming themselves needlessly. And now what? I also want to blame others.

Some things like little brothers will really test your patience to the max. And I mean all the way. Only talk to you when they need you to do some menial task for them. Mess up the computer table. Nevermind. Talk to him and then pretend like nothing happen. Nevermind. I'm reading some school work and they switch on the TV. And all the usual things. And my mom is the no.1 hypocrite. Scold him for his bad habits one moment, spoil him and let him have his way the next.

Sometimes she looks at me when she expects me to correct his behaviour. Hello! Your spoiling him and giving in to him all the time makes my existence of no effect on him!

It can't be helped. My mother spoils him all the time so as to continue to enjoy his attention. Giving in. Overfeeding. Spoiling him. Whatever. That's why I'm so unpopular with him. Or most people for that matter.

It's not that I've never told my mother before. Time and again. But you know, she's stubborn. And on uncomfortable things people tend not to hear what they don't want to hear. I know what that means. The flat denial. The digression. The pseudo-answer. The Pretend.

I don't want to blame others. So here I am writing not against the persons, be it my brother or mother. I just don't like the mentioned behaviour. I think behaviour. But behaviour is already past, and as such should be forgiven.

Perhaps after years and years of patience they'll come to understand...

There is no logical reason why we put up with what we put up with. That is agape. For Christ's sake, don't dwell on it anymore.

Still no 211 topic yet... and we're doing Palestine for 216! yeah! 202 essay needed too...

And I still think TV is a very bad thing.

But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil. - Luke 6:35

finding neverland

Saw Finding Neverland last night. Has this beginning of the 20th century setting in high society London. Its strange to watch a whole class of people which just walk around parks all day, but I suppose that was really what happened then. But we have to be careful not to confuse the FOP owners with the artists, creative people and so on. Only thing is that for us such high class no-need-to-work people nowadays have some artificial semblence of "working" with some honourary job description or do their walking around in private clubs, spas and golf courses instead of Bishan Park. Or drive around in their irritating SUVs all day.

The story is beautiful though. Moved to tears. Can see the 'stiff upper lip' societal pressures brought to bear, and indeed, Depp's child-like ignorance of it all suits the spirit of his character so starkly. Good thing crass comic relief was used to a minimum - and maybe there was a little hint of Depp as a social mover inserted into the story.

I feel that a work of fiction like a movie has meaning when it portrays struggle. Meaningful human struggle that goes on - the dramatic action or the spirit of the character being brought to bear on the audience. It depends on great actors, but also purposeful casting and directing of all the elements of the movie as well. Too much distractions, digressions, use of slapstick, action, special effects, confuse or dilute the message if not done carefully.

Especially at the end, when the sick mother gets to see the play in her house and walks into Neverland, its so sweet and surreal and her children & Depp just keep looking on... and its so beautiful on one hand and on the other so sad because you know she's actually dying... you know that she's dying but its so beautiful you want to cry out no! she isn't dying! I don't want to believe she's dying! But for her, dying was not the end because she believed.

It's hard to believe in something you can't literally see or feel or touch, and its not that I would enjoy watching people succumb helplessly to TB all the time, but troubled times and trying situations for one thing, drive the message of the temporal nature of this world and physical existence very succinctly.

"Its just that their health-care's not good enough" you say. I thank God for improved healthcare now, but the fact is, we all have to die someday anytime, and what's more, I think we'd probably die of guilt or weariness or pointlessness or overconsumption if our lifespan lasted forever.

To put it another way, wouldn't life be meaningless if all we had to do was to hang around the earth for eternity? Africa would always be poor, we'd be making reasons for fighting and killing each other all the time, we'd have pangs of guilt looking at poverty till we go numb, the PAP will keep asking you to retrain and upgrade your skills because there's always competition, there'd be no retirement age because no amount of CPF could ever sustain a retiree for eternity, you'd always be jealous of people who are in better circumstances, you'd wonder why freak accidents happen, your body would be so decayed you'd need a plastic one (think Darth Vader) and so on.

Someone remarked to me online yesterday.

"You dream of heaven every night don't you?"

Well folks,
I do dream of heaven all the time. In fact, I'd want to keep thoughts of heaven at the back of my head at every waking moment. But its not the same as going about the world in a daze and pretending I don't exist on earth. I do. But I know that there's a better place awaiting. And yes, all things that take place and are done on earth, should be taken in light of our final destination in heaven.

In a sense, like a neverland, only better. And no SUVs.

Such is the hope in Christ that we share, and I sympathize with all my friends who read this now and yet still have not found that direction and certainty in life that all human souls truly seek, if only we would admit it to ourselves.

“ that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. ”- 2 Corinthians 5:19 and 20

You know how to reach me if you'd like to understand more.

"Hark! The herald angels sing! Glory to the newborn king!"

May God bless and keep us always.

where do I begin?

The holiday week has passed... where shall I begin?

Had bday lunch wif ol' Vanz today. Great. The simple life indeed. Thankful ought we to be. He's getting his A's results soon... I'm sure he'll do well.

'O's are out tomoro. That explains why there were so many people at the temples near SimLim. We had a hunch it was much more crowded than usual... Tonnes of people praying and putting sticks non-stop...

Yesterday had 1st JC friends outing for me in a long time now. Ninger is still the same. May has some facial changes and a fringe. Oh yes, and we got to know 2 of her friends too. Toh is... well.. trying hard to be an Ah-beng but failed miserably. Saw some of the Chron staff too.

Before that I spent 4 hours on a photo hunt for assignment. Walked from Chinatown, along River Valley Rd all the way to Orchard Rd. I dare say I've taken quite a few good ones, but there was 1 that I'm really pleased with. Fits my theme nicely.

During the late supper with Ninger, Toh and pok there was the usual lamenting and job salary talking. Material-aspirants versus idealists. And interestingly enuff someone asked how does it feel to be dead. Have you ever considered how it is to be dead? How it would feel like when you're being buried/cremated?

Someone said it'll probably feel terrible as you're being burnt. But I told them death is like sleep, only difference that you know it was just sleep when you wake up. So losing consciousness is death unless you regain consciousness after that. Quite straightforward eh?

But death also means physical departure from our bodies. And though we lose consciousness when we die (ie: eternal sleep) but in a flash will come Judgement Day indeed, when our consciences will be brought to trial to answer for our failings. And after that, eternal damnation in Hell or eternal rejoicing in Heaven depending on our decision to follow Christ while physically alive.

And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment: - Hebrews 9:27

So based on the 2 paragraphs above, we don't simply lose consciousness forever when we die. Like as in vanishing into nothing, as if we never existed. Try as you may like, as many scientists have, human consciousness is not equivalent with the brain, the heart, or the senses, or any combination of those. Frankenstein? Sci-Fi. AI? it could potentially be as destructive as real humans if configured so, but they will never have a consciousness like a human being.

So after the physical death, is either eternal rejoicing or eternal suffering. Our hope in Christ that we may seek the former.

Do you believe in the afterlife? Or you don't care about what you can't be sure of?

Is the current state of the human mind such that we only believe what we can see? That we don't care about the afterlife?

That is secularism - being trapped "in time".

What point is there of living, if the reason for living is to die?

Several paths for you to take from here:

1. I'm having fun experiences, doing things, chasing goals. Life is all about having experiences.
2. We can never find out, so let's just continue on with 1.
3. I'm too busy doing 1. now, so let me think about it when I'm older.
4. I don't want to think about it. It gets in my way of doing 1.
5. Surrender your present life to Christ, who will see you through now and for the eternal life that is promised

and you will realise what it means to have a hope from beyond this world.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. - Matthew 11:30

Amen

Social commentary

HOW COULD YOU BLAME US?

I get peeved sometimes when our CS lecturers and some other educationists chide us for not daring to speak up, not participating in class and so on. They like to point out how spoon-fed we are and that we expect everything to be done for us. To be fair, many of our lecturers are really understanding – “I know its 9am in the morning” or “Looks like you’re not sufficiently warmed up yet” and I admire their dedication in that they constantly try to engage and encourage us in spite of our ‘golden mouth’ syndrome. In this they labour day in day out.

It’s now unpopular to attribute it to a cultural thing – that speaking up to a person of a higher stature is rude. Personally I think that the right to speak up should be exercised appropriately and in a respectable manner – not something we should take for granted. And unfortunately, it’s not simply about saying what you feel, but doing so with the temperance that takes into account everyone else around you, including the lecturer you are addressing. In intellectual discourse there is no excuse for insensitive language or crude mannerism.

Now we are all ordered – to speak our minds, never mind if it’s the wrong answer. But herein lies the stumbling block. Our concern here is primarily about getting the ‘right’ answer. No matter how much the lecturer tries to convince the student that the wrong answer doesn’t matter the truth is, that’s what’s at the back of the student’s head. It’s not as much about as being afraid to try and make mistakes but more about the over-emphasis on getting things right.

Typical student culture is about getting things right. Of course, that’s where the grades are. It’s where the results lie. Now, to balance my point, of course it’s important to get things right, that’s an indicator that we’ve learnt something. But education, especially at these higher levels, does not have an end result which wants us to get everything right. It’s to cultivate the thinking process. University education is an experience, (and I don’t just mean having fun in hostel life). The only real way to encourage people thinking is to put them through experiences of thinking through, slugging it out on their own in the directions that their field of study so dictates.

I’m not saying every student has to rediscover Newton’s Laws of Gravity all over again. Only he can hold that honour. But point being, if we are to really fully understand and appreciate it, we’d have to study it in such detail that would amount to our own personal discovery of it. Not just a set of rules that we can apply and watch.

It’s like for example, when we learn some facts about a particular country. Fair enough, we know sufficient facts to form an image in our heads. But our knowledge of the country is nothing unless we one day visit the place itself and see the land, culture, people. And I mean in a real immersive sense, not just visiting the popular tourist sites or activities “Amazing Race”-style. Only then will we actually discover more of it for ourselves.

So why do students obsess with getting things right, such that it hinders the thinking that we are trying to cultivate? My take: it’s in our society.

It used to be, no degree no well-paying job. Now it’s no 1^st-class honours no well-paying job. I don’t dare to suggest that all students are obsessed with high-paying jobs, it’s just that our value system of fostering healthy competition is getting excessively overblown. And all around, from all sectors of society, students grow up with this innate pressure that ingrains our result-oriented mindset. (Here “result” meaning a tangible, usable outcome.)

So here’s the point: there’s no pragmatic value in speaking up during class. Just cut to the chase and deliver the answer already. The expectation is reciprocal.

There have been educational reforms. Good-intentioned attempts like the SAT system and the new CCA requirements were however, symptom treatments defeated by our own mindsets, which is the root cause.

What hope do we have? The first step is always the most painful. The national obsession with competition and results has to be checked. There is an agenda behind why this attitude is continually drummed into our daily conversations. From which part of the country could such a shift in our societal mindset begin? It’s your call and mine.

Conversations...

with you

For once, my computer did not display the HARDDISK FAILURE IMMINENT message... how pleased I am...

Not pleased with however, is how I have this pimple on my nose. Feels so irritating! Don't dare to go near it. Feels as though my nose is being held hostage. "Don't touch me or else...I'll spread all over your face and cause terrible terrible anguish"

Then again, it does indicate something - that the previous outbreak about 2 weeks back had nothing to do with this pore cleaning wash I had been trying out because I haven't been using it since and yet I've got the outbreak again. Wonder what's the matter with my face.

I still feel full. Had this great dinner with ol' Vanz at the Meridian Hotel Foodcourt. The Korean BBQ place. Their sweet and sour soups are GREAT! Vanz had this fish fillet stuff that was really a lot of fish for the money...

Before that there had been quite a downpour. Welcome relief from the bush fires. And a free wash for my car back at home. All this while I was engrossed in a car magazine at Borders.

Top Gear... a BBC magazine... good quality stuff. Now that's real stuff written by petrol heads WITH journalistic training. They've got worthwhile opinion articles, amusing puns on celebrity motor-industry people and cars that only a die-hard will appreciate, and serious reviews. And with an inquisitive realism that is searching, a style that is not afraid to air their views and yet at the same time profoundly engaging and open-minded.

And then theres the local car mags... oh well... their realism is that they usually review cars that will ever sell in Singapore... the either really cheap or really ego-enhancing. They've got their own comment articles too. Unfortunately, what I can't stand is how most of their reviews read like the promotional brochure you'd get from the showroom. Just listing and emphasizing the new bangs and whistles they probably got in the press kit. As if a car was just the sum of its parts.

As you would have guessed, I finally left the car at home today. Will try to do that at least once a week. I know you guys will shoot me, but it's actually very liberating! I get to read on the train. Don't have to stare at the road and watch out for people. It's like trading half an hour of intense focus and interaction with other eccentric high speed elements on tarmac for one hour of absorption into the reality of a Russian author's consciousness.

But on the way from school to Orchard I was actually falling asleep (!) Not being at the wheel typically frees me to fulfill one of my innermost desires... haha

I've just described some of the events of my day in a non-linear fashion. How was yours?

with Prof Benj

It's really interesting how things seem to come together, which is a privilege only people who study breadth rather than depth get... did somebody sneer "jack of all trades"?

Social engineering... social conditioning... scary airy fairy terms? Well the reality is that there is some truth in it. Of course, even tribals are subject to these things as well. It's just that what studying these phenomena helps us realise that we ourselves or not as 'free' or 'independent' as we like to think ourselves - yes, us 'modern' people too. We're just as conditioned as those medievals that we like to laugh at. And since it's something we grow up with we don't see it... we just think our outlook and mindset is normal, because we already are conditioned.

with JR

Had conversation with JR over lunch. Told him about the Russian author I was reading, and the knicks and knacks of reading a translated book. Then he talked about this Bohemian author he appreciates very much. And the painful realisms of modern pragmatic expression. JR has this amazing stance of objectivity which is such a gift. Kinda like the person to go to when there are conflicting interests. Very accomodating and seriously able to see both sides of the coin in that essence.

with JR and Jan

This one was over lunch too. It was back to that classic about the usefulness of human behaviour research (aka social science). I have had irreversible damage done to me by my brother. How believable is social science? Is it worthwhile? Or placating the human weakness for answers. We all agreed that overdependence and manipulation on 'answers' given by social science is dangerous. But that's the way the world is. And the powers that be will gladly use whatever advances their vested agenda. Do we really need to be facilitating them with such fodder? Its the 'free world's propaganda'... wholesale belief in ideas that aren't exactly true. Either that or shuffling from one 'fact' to another.

with Tiff

Have had several early morning breakfast conversations with her by now. It's the car owners' club haha. Most recent one was the one about V-day. Some insights into her mindset and her beliefs on several things. We have similar outlooks on the important issues in life.

That ye may with one mind and one mouth glorify God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. - Romans 15:6

Talked about some of our life situations and peeves.

with Winson

Started off on a similar note about V-day. V-day pressures. Continued on to the tsunami. And I ended up telling him of my Calvinistic doctines. The absolute power of God in all things that happen. Omnipotent. After all, if we say that God is selectively accurate about what He claims to be, don't we make Him a liar?

It sounds crude, but basically we still are, 'free', but not in the independent sense.

with brother

The intellectual high of my week. The role of hard science in human life. Science is amoral. But why pursued relentlessly? Am I Thomas Malthus?

I agree science has great potential to solve lots of problems.

"But science was not meant to solve the problem of good and evil."

He blames it on the distribution and application of it, science itself is neutral.

It's not science's fault that Africa still starves. It's politics. After all those centuries of triumphant progress in science, we're still the same. The poor are still with us.

Why can't we just meet the problem straight on rather than go in one big circle pretending its a matter of technological advancement?

We can't. It's the collective fallen human nature. Life on earth was never meant to be fair. Only just. Science is the physical version of the opiate of the masses.

with other brother

Why are you doing your homework in front of that dumb 9pm TCS 8 drama serial again? Why did you leave the computer on while watching TV?

*Stuffs bread spread with some red thing in it into my mouth*

The strawberry jam you made in school as part of your homework tastes like... strawberry. Almost. No thanks. Too healthy for me.

*Promptly strangles me*
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For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother. - Mark 3:35

Amen

What we call human nature is really human habit

i honestly think ys is wonderwoman. So busy all the time, tonnes of stuff to do, and always busy. That is assuming that that is a desireable trait or situation to be in all the time.

At least you're too busy to wonder if you're slacking off... or so it seems.

It seems that work is the best way to keep a person content. We've heard so many times of people who feel life is meaningless or get disoriented when they retire. Guess that's great news for the government.

In another paradigm I would have probably died of guilt by now... I can't really remember what my work life has been about if defined in terms of what I 'did'...

It's just feelings like... the experience of having gone through this... went through that... and all that... and its weird the things I subconsciously choose to internalise and can recall like the back of my hand... and I can tell I like history very much...

And sometimes my thoughts go back to... what am I really doing in CS? No doubt I do enjoy the exposure to the great breadth that we've had these 2 years so far... Just have to be patient I guess... there are bigger things to concern myself with.

Sometimes I wrongly feel insecure. What possible mark could I ever leave in the world? I don't even do anything!! But its rather ridiculous to be thinking like this. I'm not that anxious to prove myself or stake a claim in the world or something

There's no point being worried about such things I believe. Things on this earth are doomed to return to dust - and there is only thing that really counts in the end - that we see our vulnerability and fallen nature and not to fall in love with this world and ourselves.

It's hard but I know God hears us who bring our fears to Him. It is indeed so paradoxical to be still living in this world, being subject to all the fallings and temptations and worldly concerns that surround us all the time.

Against the standard of perfection that is Christ the more I look the more foul I am. Indeed, the greatest thing we need to be careful of in this world is really our own fallen self. Its so easy to lose your temper, so automatic and human nature to react to things in a self-interested way. I know because I tried to go it on my own. Things that were convenient I could stop. But inwardly things I couldn't give up I explained away or excused myself.

(by the way, I have the old Jewel album which says on the cover "What we call human nature is really human habit")

And I stop to think. How many actions that we know inwardly are selfish do we just excuse as human nature?

What kind of work is truly meaningful? The law of pragmatics that prevails in everyone's head makes such a question irrelevant. Even for us who still want to be idealistic... so how is it really meaningful in the end? That assumes you have already known what lies at the end...

but I remember Lydia did say, there's no such thing as a separation between the secular and religious life. And praise be to God, I know what she means. Dying daily to the cross. Just a simple phrase.

How I want to live like that, with eyes fixated on Christ that I need not worry about or dwell on anything else here anymore. Like my friends, my parents, my deeds, the church and so on. Sometimes I do think too much on these things - and I do feel sad - but in the end, they don't ultimately matter that much. And I'm glad Christ pulled me through.

It takes wisdom indeed, to know what we ought to do, when to do it, and when to stop and leave it to God. And in the name and guidance of Christ the concerns ought always to be regards others first - to truly wish them sincere wellness. That is charity and love.

Do pray this with me in our hearts:

Lord carry us through this life here, for we know you will never forsake us. Comfort us when we don't understand your Will and keep us on the straight and narrow. We see perfection in your light everyday, and find ourselves wanting still. Forgive us when we dwell too much on the things regarding this world. By your Holy Spirit help us to die daily for the love of Christ, to walk with you in that manner which is pleasing in your sight. Keep us safe while we wait patiently to be called back home.

Amen